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Introduction paragraph


LUCAS DA COSTA SOUSA
(@lucas-sousa)
New Member
Joined: 11 months ago
Posts: 2
Topic starter  

Hi tutors, what do you think about this introduction paragraph?

"The bar chart illustrates how many students enrolled in three different courses at an Australian college from 2001 to 2003. Overall, there was an upward trend in the number of students of sports while the quantity of Psychology students decreased significantly over the same period. Geology students figure, in contrast, remained relatively constant."


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Sam
 Sam
(@admin)
Member Admin
Joined: 3 years ago
Posts: 103
 

Hi there Lucas, sorry for the late reply. Your grammar and vocabulary is excellent; however, your overview is a little too long. Aim to include two trends or features in the overview, not three; if you include too much detail you will have less time to write the body paragraphs and you may repeat yourself. The least important trend is that there was little change in Geology student numbers, so this final sentence can be removed. A quick grammar note for this final sentence - 'figure' is a countable noun so you need an article: 'The Geology student figure, in contrast, remained...' (note there is no 's' after student as this is a compound noun, like '5-finger hand', '2-way radio' etc ) However, native speakers more often phrase this in a different way: 'The figure for Geology students...'


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