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Final task of the first part


Mariana
(@mariana)
New Member
Joined: 2 years ago
Posts: 4
Topic starter  

Hi, i was wondering if you can do some feedback about my final task of module one.

The line graph below displays the amount of tickets bought in four villages to travel to London during 2018. Overall, the village with most of the tickets bought was Brockvale while the village with the less was Signs Lee.

Tickets from Brocksvale had an increased trend during the first eight months of the year with a peak in August following with a decreased trend at the end of the year. On the other hand, Breadham began the year with a downward trend with a dramatic fall at the middle of the year.

Despite the lowest number of tickets sold in Signy Lee, it remained constant during the year in comparison of Shirholm which had an upward trend until August and then decrease just as in Brockvale.

 

Thank you so much.


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Sam
 Sam
(@admin)
Member Admin
Joined: 3 years ago
Posts: 103
 

Hi Mariana,

This a good attempt, but you still have a little work to do to reach a band 7. First, don’t write ‘below’ in your first sentence as you have to assume that the reader cannot see the graph. Next, in your overview the opposite to ‘most’ is ‘least’, and not ‘less’. Well done for mentioning two trends in the overview.

It is a good idea to begin your first body paragraph with a clause to introduce what you will write about. In this example you could begin with ‘Looking closely at the data, we can see that the number of tickets to London bought from Brocksvale increased steadily during the first eight months, from 10000 in January to around 14000 in August...’

Notice that I have made a few important changes here. I have written the subject in full: ‘the number of tickets to London bought from Brocksvale’. We should do this at the start of each paragraph. Importantly the NUMBER of tickets increase/fall, not the tickets themselves (as your writing suggests). I have also avoided using the word ‘trend’ as it is repeated two other times in this paragraph. Try to use this word only once per paragraph. Finally, and most importantly, I have included the VALUES of the data (10000 and 14000). Without values, your task achievement is limited to a band 5.

Lastly, look out for prepositions. We use ‘followed by’, ‘in the middle of the year’, ‘in comparison to’.

Add values to the rest of the task, paraphrase ‘trend’ using verbs and adverbs (increased/fell steadily) or adjectives and nouns (there was a steady increase/fall), and check those prepositions I’ve mentioned.

Good luck!


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Mariana
(@mariana)
New Member
Joined: 2 years ago
Posts: 4
Topic starter  

Thank you a lot for your corrections. On the other hand, I was wondering if you can give me feedback about my new task 2 from the mini writing course.

Personally, I think big and small companies should have the capacity to give cultural, social and sports scenarios to local communities in order to regard their impact in that place.

This facilities improve the live of locals in order to workers can share moments with their families or practice sports taking care about their health, while at the same time the company improve their image into communities.

On the other hand, those scenarios sponsored can be used for the company as an agent of publicity and to attract many people by events where companies let people know things about them in a creative and attractive way.

In conclusion, if sports and social facilities are provided by companies, its advantages can be seen in two different perspectives: improve company’s image and attract people to the company, so the investment will be worth.

Thanks a lot!


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Arash
(@arash)
New Member
Joined: 1 year ago
Posts: 3
 

Hey Sam and Tom, I was hoping you could take a quick look at my final task response as well.

I'm not that happy with it tbh, I think the overview has issues but I can't quite put my finger on it.

The line graph presents the number of travelers visiting London who traveled by train, the ticket to which they bought from the train stations of four villages, in a span of a year. The highest number of people from Shirholm and Brockvale traveled to London in August and the overall trend for these villages was upwards, with Shirholm having the most travelers of the four.

The number of train tickets sold at the beginning of the year in Shirholm and Brockvale stood at 10000 and 7000 respectively. It rose to its peak in August with over 14000 for the former and 9000 the latter. By the end of the year, the number stood at approximately 12000 for Shirholm and 8000 for Brockvale creating a rising overall trend.

The travelers from Signy Lee remained practically constant in numbers, just over 3000, throughout the year, whereas that of Breadham fluctuated sharply experiencing a maximum of 9000 in January and a minimum of 4000 in August.


This post was modified 11 months ago 2 times by Arash

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Sam
 Sam
(@admin)
Member Admin
Joined: 3 years ago
Posts: 103
 

@arash Hi Arash. Your grammar and vocabulary is excellent. What you must then focus on is making sure that you cover all the details of the graph and that you do so in a logical and concise way. I can see that occasionally your writing needs to be more concise. For example, your introduction sentence can be simplified from:

The line graph presents the number of travelers visiting London who traveled by train, the ticket to which they bought from the train stations of four villages, in a span of a year.

to

The line graph presents the number of tickets bought by travelers visiting London by train from four villages over a span of a year.

If you write concisely you will have more time to communicate the details of the graph in the body paragraphs. Notice also that the graph compares ticket numbers, not traveler numbers.

Your overview is very good but again a little to long. Focus on two trends/features of the graph rather than three:

Overall, only Shirholm and Brockvale saw an increase in ticket sales, with Shirholm being the most popular train station.

Your final paragraph needs a little more detail; you should include Breadham's final ticket sales and the slight dip that Signy Lee experiences in September. With a more concise introduction you should have time to do this.

I hope this helps.

This post was modified 11 months ago by Sam

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Arash
(@arash)
New Member
Joined: 1 year ago
Posts: 3
 

@admin

Yes, I tried so hard not to use the words and sentence structure of the question that I lost sight of cohesion and conciseness. ? 

Thank you for the feedback ? 


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Sam
 Sam
(@admin)
Member Admin
Joined: 3 years ago
Posts: 103
 

@arash Many students believe that we cannot use any grammar or vocabulary from the given task text. This is not true; as long you paraphrase the task text, you may still borrow some words and grammatical structures from the task. Balance is key, as if you copy too much language (identical grammar structures, 4-or-more-word phrases) you will be penalized, but if you not not use any task language, it may be very difficult to keep the same meaning and remain concise.


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