Student Community

Course Forums

 

Log in or Register from the menu above to post a message.
Notifications
Clear all

General writing task 02 feedback


shetu145
(@shetu145)
New Member
Joined: 3 years ago
Posts: 3
Topic starter  

Hello,

I will be really grateful if you please evaluate my writing and give me proper feedback mentioning my errors and area of improvement. Please let me know the possible band score I may get with this writing. Thank You.

 

In many countries, the tradition of eating family meals together is disappearing. Why is this happening? What will be the effects on families and society?

 

Nowadays the trend of having meals with all the family members is rarely seen in a number of countries. Change of lifestyle and busy work schedule are some of the possible reasons for this changing trend. However, the overall impact is negative considering the nature of familial and social culture of human being.

We are now a part of modern and technological based competitive society where each one of has to put his maximum effort to achieve the desired goal. Our life is now more mechanical and robotic than ever before. To cope up with this highly competitive world, change of lifestyle and time schedule is often required. Rather than having dinner with family, we are busy in office even in the later part of night to complete our official task perfectly. Eight or nine hours of office is sometimes not enough for us to satisfy our authority. On the other hand, those people who try to come back home from office timely are not being able to do it because of the immense traffic on the road. Maintaining regular office hours is not a matter of praise any more whereas doing overtime is seen as a matter of compliment. It is true that for most of the people passing quality time with family members has become a secondary need where the professional duties are the priorities. High expectations in term of financial benefit is also a relevant issue regarding this practice of family detachment.

The overall impact of getting far away from family events is not positive at all. Family bonding is under threat due to this high professional nature of people. Family as an institution is a very important place for a person where one can share his problems and success, but to maintain this bonding passing reasonable time with family is mandatory. Having lunch or dinner together give us the space to share the stories of love, sorrow and compassion with each other. This allows us to be more social and kind in nature. Without passing good time with family will make us hollow and robotic in nature. We must understand that work is very important but giving time for family is more important as it defines us who we are.

In conclusion, eating with family is not merely a part of formalities but a culture and trend that we must maintain to be successful in every aspect of our professional and personal life.


Quote
Sam
 Sam
(@admin)
Member Admin
Joined: 3 years ago
Posts: 103
 

Hi there Shetu, what band score are you targeting? IELTS considers it unethical to give out band scores but I can tell you how much work you may need to put in to reach your target.


ReplyQuote
shetu145
(@shetu145)
New Member
Joined: 3 years ago
Posts: 3
Topic starter  

@admin

Thank you for your reply. My target is 7.5-9.


ReplyQuote
Sam
 Sam
(@admin)
Member Admin
Joined: 3 years ago
Posts: 103
 

Hi Shetu. That is a high target, meaning that two of four bands will need to be an 8, which is possible with a bit of work. First, you need to show a bit more precision with your vocabulary. You often use very high level items, but in the wrong context. Here are some examples:

'the trend of having meals with all the family members is rarely seen'

Since family meals have been occuring for aeons, we cannot call this a trend. I think you mean to say that 'The decline in frequency of family meals is a worring trend.' So we use trend to describe the change in frequency, rather than the activity itself. You use 'trend' better in the second sentence.

'to cope (up)'

This is not a phrasal verb, so avoid using 'up' after 'cope'

'to complete our official task perfectly'

This sounds like each person has a single task to do, given to them by the government. Better to say 'to meet the demands of our work'

'to satisfy our authority'

This makes it seem like we are working to satisfy our own inner authority. Try 'to satisfy our bosses'. It is better to use simpler vocabulary (bosses) if it means that the meaning of the sentence is clear.

'come back home from (the) office timely are not being able to do it'

Try 'come back home from the office at an appropriate time are not being able to do so'

You then mention traffic but don't say how it is connected to fewer family meals. Instead you say that 'professional duties (are the priorities) (have priority)' which you have already talked about. Try to build on your arguments and avoid repetition such as this.

Other times where your vocabulary can be confusing: 'bonding passing reasonable time with family' It is unclear what reasonable time is. I think you mean 'spending enough time with family'. Later again we see 'Without passing good time' which has the same problem.

So remember that the meaning is the most important thing. Keep it clear as you choose your vocabulary.

Do this an you can reach your target.

Other errors:

'of human being(s).'
'each one of (us)'
'we are busy in (the) office'
'it defines (us) who we are'

Pay closer attention to your articles. Repeated errors will mean that you only get a 7 for grammar.

That should do it.

Sam


ReplyQuote
shetu145
(@shetu145)
New Member
Joined: 3 years ago
Posts: 3
Topic starter  

@admin

Thank you so much for your feedback..I have already enrolled in your course...I will try to fix these errors...Thank you once again.


ReplyQuote
Sam
 Sam
(@admin)
Member Admin
Joined: 3 years ago
Posts: 103
 

@shetu145

Great, let me know if there is anything else I can help with.


ReplyQuote
gemaaguado
(@gemaaguado)
New Member
Joined: 3 years ago
Posts: 1
 

Hi Sam, I didn´t find how to post a new topic so I decided to write down this post. I want you to correct my writing Task 2 if it´s posible. Thanks you!

To what extent has the internet made modern life more convenient?

The internet has been changing our lives since it was created by humans. In my opinion, the internet has a lot of significantly advantages and makes some things easier, but also has minor disadvantages because it causes somo problems.

People nowadays use the internet in many things: in the work, to keep in touch with the family, to search things or solve questions, … In the past people used to live without technology and devices and they had a normal life, however, the internet helps us to live better and do less effort in our days. On the other hand, it is true that young people can´t live without their mobile phones. When the internet got in our society the life completely changed and the world were able to connect it. This is an important fact because they are more sociable behind a screen, they often have problems with their families because of the internet and with other teenagers in the social medias. People are always connected with the society via internet and they forget the important things in the life. 

I think that the way you use the internet and the way that it affects in your life depends on yourself and only the person choose it. Although you are able to choose how the internet affects in your life, is true that the internet problems like bullying in the social medias are generated from our society and this have to change with the education since we are children.


ReplyQuote
Sam
 Sam
(@admin)
Member Admin
Joined: 3 years ago
Posts: 103
 

@gemaaguado

Hi there,

Overall your structure is good - the thesis statement outlines your body paragraph arguments well. Make sure you divide that central paragraph into two to make 2 body paragraphs. You also need to work on your conclusion paragraph. It should summarise your body paragraph arguments in just a sentence, maybe two, and not introoduce new arguments.

Your word count is exactly 250, which means you are close to losing marks for a short essay - try to write 260+ to be safe. To help you do this, develop your body paragraph arguments. For example, what do you mean by a 'normal life'? How does the internet 'help us to live better'? What 'problems' are there with families and teenagers? Try to fully develop your arguments and connect them directly to the essay question - talk more about the convenience of the internet!

 

I hope this helps.

Sam


ReplyQuote
Share:

Subscribe

Join Our Newsletter

We send new lessons out to our subscribers every week.

Join the community!

FAQ

Have a look at the frequently asked questions here.

If you are still looking for answers, you can contact us at [email protected] or with messenger (below).

Are these lessons really free?

Yes. Study as many as you want!

If you have free lessons, why should I pay for a course?

You can use our lessons like you would an IELTS text book. However, with our online courses you can check your progress, be in full communication with our tutors and have your homework marked. This will greatly speed up your learning!

How can I pay for a course or 1 to 1 classes?

You can pay with PayPal or credit and debit cards.

Can I choose my tutor?

If you have a tutor preference, sign up to a class and let us know via email which tutor you prefer. If their schedule is not full, we will connect you together.

Can I get help from a tutor if I study the free lessons?

We offer basic support for students studying for free. This means that if you have questions, you can email us, or better, write in the comments section of the lesson. We will reply as soon as we can.